Conceptual Couture Sewing and Salute of 9/11 Heroes And Patriots

Hi I will soon be posting "creations" I am working on that have been inspired by other creative people with my own twist.



I can't just continue watching my husband deteriorate it is too difficult, so I will try to do something positive to permit myself an outlet of some sort. So very soon I will attempt to post some of my completed designs (almost have completed one of them as we speak). I am also attempting to teach myself to sew which is a laugh, but according to books I have read online the fanciest sewing of all (couture) is basically done by hand. SO I will be using a combined method of hand-sewing and also machine sewing, as my limited knowledge permits. Have a nice day, and God Bless all the heroes and patriot's families who perished on 9-11-01. They are the real stuff that heroes are made of, and we will always remember them and honor their sacrifices.

Dancing on the Brink

When someone you love is very sick, it is very difficult.

You have to deal with the person as they are, debilitated, not feeling well, scared, tired, sometimes hopeful, sometimes pessimistic- in otherwards, you are dealing with the same issues with them that are also in you.

From time to time some of the old person shines through, in brief snippets. But most of the time is spent dealing with the illness. It is so hard to watch, so hard to bear.  And they feel bad that you are there and their sickness is hurting you so bad. I didn't expect that one.

Mixed feelings of, I don't want them to suffer, but oh God please make them better, but only if they can get better. If they can get back to themselves, the way they used to be. The shadow that haunts both of you, day and night. The person that was, and is now so different. The one you both miss desperately.

At The End of The World

Well, time has passed by and we have "arrived" at a new place to live.
It's only a one bedroom apartment and it is in the desolate town called "Wheeling"....

The town is kitty-corner to Palwaukee Airport (did I spell that right, not sure), a strange mix of run-down apts., factories, currency exchanges, Russian grocery stores, and some imtermittant luxury homes.

My mother-in-law Dorothy got us into one of her apts that was otherwise empty. Kinda like "Priceline", better for someone to pay something rather than get nothing. We don't even have a lease, ergo another illegal apartment. I tried over and over to get assistance with rent, and or/ a deal with some landlord in DuPage County, but obviously they aren't getting any kinder out there.

My husband is getting skinnier and skinnier, down to 190 lbs. now, after previously weighing in at 260. Thank GOD he had some fat to waste away on, otherwise he would be more skeletal than he already is. He is half-way thru combined chemo-radiation therapy, extremely sick and unhappy, to say the least. Some mornings when I wake up and look at him, I just want to cry. Doesn't look like himself at all anymore. So hard to see this, so hard for him to live this. Kids are upset much of the time.

Homelessness at Shit's Creek

I am on the brink of being homeless. I never thought that something like this could happen to someone like me. But obviously, like a lot of other things, I was wrong about this. What really sucks is that it is not just me. I think I could handle living out of my car. I could really give a shit less. But what I don't get is that I have two children, and a  husband who is seriously ill, who always confessed a deep faith in Jesus. And Jesus apparently just don't give a shit no more, because Jesus just ain't coming through. I always had a mistrust in God, that he really, really, cared about what was happening in my life. Or that he actually (this is what I believe now) was just too impotent to be able to do anything about any of my real issues. Such as depression, insecurity, growing up a a co-dependent, providing my family with decent housing, jobs, and other sundry topics. Too many bad things have happened, and continue to happen, to those I love, for me NOT to raise my fist, middle-finger up, and yell, "YOU SON OF A BITCH, WHY DON'T YOU CARE????????"  But no one is listening. And now, after raising 3 children, watching my husband work from sun up to sun down, and never seemingly getting anywhere, and working myself but never seeming to get anywhere, I just say FUCK IT. American society just sucks, and they have sucked enough out of us, the working class. I don't care if I am a part of any society anymore, I detest and despise all those rich people who held us down and subservient for all those years, slaving away, working harder to get nowhere, I hate them all, and will work to see them defeated. And this "GOD" who claims to keep us safe and cozy is nothing more than a fantasy thrust upon the working class to keep them mild and meek. Until the dam breaks, and the tide rushes in. Then it will be readily apparent that there is no deity, no safety latch, no harbor. I wonder what my husband will say then. He will probably still adhere to his code of belief, but I will not be fooled anymore. Let the tide roll in, I can't predict what I am capable of when this happens, probably almost anything. I guess if the "CHOSEN" people weren't safe, then the rest of us are up shit's creek.

Cancer DIsaster

Maybe someone else who might read this blog also has a spouse with cancer.

Living with cancer is hard enough for the caregiver. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for the one who is sick.

When I was still a child, people back then seemed to believe that cancer was contagious. I think that still is a predominant view, though somewhat skewed now due to better education and knowledge. Alot like Aids, cancer scares people half to death, and out of their wits.

I am scared of cancer because I watched my dad die from it, over the period of one and one-half years. The slow wasting away, losing of prior abilities and capabilities. It is a hard thing to witness, and now I am doing it all over again with my husband Kevin.

I pray that he gets better, but I also pray that I can let him go to a better place when the time is right. I see him struggle everyday with the littlest of things, so unlike the other Kevin I used to know. Sometimes he will smile at me in the old way, and I catch a glimpse of the other Kevin I knew. He is still there, he is just so sick right now that he is usually unavailable. It is hard to be alone, without Kevin. We fought so much over the course of our marriage, that at one point we even separated. But we got back together, for better or for worse. I think he got the raw end of the deal. I have been very spoiled and childish over the years. I don't have the luxury anymore. I just want him to get better, but I don't know if that will happen or not. Cancer is scary stuff, especially when it hits home. When it hits your spouse. When it takes over your life. When it seems to win. Dear God, don't let it win again. Please keep my husband safe and help him to come back to himself. If that is still possible.

Greetings Earthlings!

Hi, welcome to my blog! I am a techno-challenged mother of three highly-intelligent children who far surpass me in the speed of their fingers and the veracity and depth of their techno-savvy. As I watch their fingers fly and the screens unravel from one web site to the next, I understand the generational gap between my slow intrigue with computers, and their overall mastery. If you handed me a cell phone and asked me to text,  I would appear puzzled and immediately hand the phone back to you faster than you could say "hot potato!" (one of my 30 yr old daughter's favorite games when she was one and a half years old).So for me to begin a "blog" represents a leap of faith, stupidity, and a reach into the dark regions of  the unknown! I have so much to say that I would like to share, but don't know how. Maybe this will be one way to connect. I honestly don't know.